A Few Shades of Everything
by Avery Dawnhale
Summary: We often ask ourselves: Can people change? And we come to this story, another story of mine that's much more wonderful and sad. And when that first drop of blood fell on the floor….there was no chance to react. No chance to look at her face. No chance to be stronger. No chance to make a choice. I cracked.
1. ENTRY 1

**Foreword: ***Takes a peak at the curtain*

*Waves* Hello, dear readers! I hope you're all faring well.

So, yeah...Listen, a little plot bunny came today and BOOM. Here it is, a new story titled: _A Few Shades of Everything. __  
_

No idea how the updates are going to be arranged, no outline yet, and NO BETA! :( Will anyone help me out? Also, no idea if this will be in poetry form like SSIB...BUT...I do PROMISE/SWEAR/CROSS MY HEART that there will be a HAPPY ENDING! Satisfied?

**BETA FOUND: **TheDemonOfTwilight is now my beta...and DANG! She's good at it.

Alright then, on to the story...

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**a few shades of everything**

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**"'HOPE' IS THE THING WITH FEATHERS"  
Emily Dickinson  
**

"Hope" is the thing with feathers—  
That perches in the soul—  
And sings the tune without the words—  
And never stops—at all—

And sweetest—in the Gale—is heard—  
And sore must be the storm—  
That could abash the little Bird  
That kept so many warm—

I've heard it in the chillest land—  
And on the strangest Sea—  
Yet, never, in Extremity,  
It asked a crumb—of Me.

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**ENTRY # 1. **

* * *

We often ask ourselves: _Can people change?_

I see humans change everyday, whether if it's their favourite colour, or their beliefs, or even their personality. They are always taking hard steps to get from one place to another, just to achieve their goals. Or to make things better for their loved ones.

It makes me feel sorry for them sometimes, and yet happy as well.

They had a choice, and they took it.

But we didn't, we didn't have a choice, our choice was taken from us. Every time I observe humans, I cannot stop the envy and jealousy coursing through my venom filled veins.

I missed it.

I missed the feeling of living in ignorant bliss, when I had no idea about vampires and werewolves.

I missed being human.

Do you know what it feels like, never going into the sun, always afraid if a human would see you? Of course you don't. No humans really knows the feeling of being a vampire. And believe me, it isn't pleasant.

Yes, there are some advantages of being immortal. Like, the speed, the strength, the feeling of power coursing through your body. The feeling of power is like heroin, once you get a taste, you want, no, _need _more. But there's a catch, there's always a catch. You can't get anything free, and this is no different.

Think about it, do you really want to live with the want and need of human blood, always in the back of your mind, forever? Because that's what it feels like. Sure, you might consciously be thinking about something else, but there's always this little voice in your head, reminding you of the taste of the delicious, red, hot, and sweet liquid, rolling down your throat, soothing that eternal fiery burn in your throat.

Most vampires embrace that wonderful taste of human blood, and I did too for a short while, but we were different. We fed from animals, making us weaker and never actually stop that burning ache in your throat, thus, making us act more violently to humans and their precious blood.

As I stare at the pine trees that cover the almost vastness of the Olympic National Forest, I continue to think.

Humans, so frail and weak, yet adventurous and brave at the same time. They think they know what life is all about, in fact, they don't. They never, in their short lives, experience the pain of reality.

Most people don't come out the other side alive when they experienced what 'life' really is, but did, I made it to the other side. By not without a few agonizing memories and scars.

They were scared, all of them, of death. I could see cracks in their ever steely strong armour. How was it humans could be so brave in any circumstances but in the end, they fear death? Fear the peace of having no troubles and worries?

And how could immortals be so weak in a situation that requires them to act differently rather than be what they were before they suffered through the change? How could humans take a chance and be different? And how could we, vampires, shy away from this?

And we come to this, another story of mine that's much more wonderful, scary and tragic than all my other experiences that I had been graced in my undead life.

For I was a vampire.

And she was not.

She took a chance.

But I didn't.

And suddenly, when that first drop of blood fell on the floor….there was no chance to react.

No chance to look at her face.

No chance to be stronger.

No chance to make a_ choice. _

And just like the humans, I cracked. And that little crack turned into a huge gorge of never ending pain and suffering.

But in the first time in my existence, there was _life. _

And I took it.

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**Afterword: **Well..here it is!

Review and tell me guys what you think.

Also, maybe or maybe not...but I'm planning this story to be a bit longer and have more depth than SSIB.

Who knows...

Also...ATTENTION. In need of a Beta. Can do it swiftly and quite available anytime. Please PM me if you're interested!

**BETA FOUND: **TheDemonOfTwilight is now my beta...and DANG! She's good at it.


	2. ENTRY 2

**Foreword:** Oooh! Oooh! My first 3,000 word chapter!

I don't want to say too much since I'm tired and giddy at the same time! Wohoo! This is really me making a fanfiction novel! I'm so proud of myself! **Also, to my awesome and coolest Beta: TheDemonessOfTwilight - girl, thank you!** Now, now...on to the story!

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**ENTRY #2**

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We often ask ourselves. _Are we strong enough?_

Are we strong enough to confront certain things head on, even though you know it can easily break you, like a twig? Are we strong enough to withstand the pain and agony of being broken into a million pieces, over and over again, for the rest of eternity? Are we strong enough to be what they want us to be?

I was about to find out.

It all started on Bella's 18th birthday.

I begin to wonder, doesn't everything start with a birth of sorts? It may be a human birth, or one being reborn into a monster, whatever it may be, it begins with life, and ends with death. A tragic one, or a happy one, the end is inevitable. Whether you are immortal or not, there is an end for everyone and everything.

So it was no surprise how uptight and nervous I was. My hands were clenched in anxiety, my breathing was laboured, making me look like I was hyperventilating. If any vampire saw me now, they'd think I was crazy because vampires _do not_ hyperventilate.

I wasn't going to leave anything to chance. Because chance will rip your life to beautiful and tragic pieces. I learnt it the hard way.

It is the human's birthday for goodness sake! She deserves a day where she wouldn't have a very likely chance of being killed! And I am the God of War! I shouldn't be all flustered because of a little human! I killed thousands. And now, look at me, I'm a bumbling mess all because of one incredibly smelling human.

I took another deep breath and snorted at my stupid thoughts, making Emmett look my way curiously. I shook my head and ignored him.

Knowing Bella, she probably has a 99% higher rate of dying than any other person I know - even the elderly. I bit my tongue to keep myself from laughing out. _Oh, if only Bella heard this…_

"Jasper, son." The familiar voice of my father figure drifted softly to my sensitive ears.

"Yeah?" I glanced up to meet Carlisle's kind and fatherly gaze.

"Would you like to go hunting with me just for a few hours? I heard there's a small pride of mountain lions nearby," he asked softly with a caring smile whilst shrugging off his white medical coat before adding, "It would be a nice catch."

Before I could even draw breath to reply, my little Alice appeared, all bubbly and trusting as ever. "Oh Carlisle! Lay back a little! He'll be just fine for later." Her voice was light, coated with excitement and happiness.

Carlisle looked at Alice then me. "If you're sure…" He trailed off uncertainly.

Alice glanced up at me questioningly, silently asking me what I want to do. She trusted me to control my bloodlust more than anybody in this room. She would never know how grateful I am, even if I can project the emotions onto her.

It wasn't that my family didn't trust me - not at all. But I knew their wariness - it was the way vampires behaved after all. Whether they be as tamed as the Cullen Family or as savage as James, we still have this monster inside us, begging to be released. And one day, it will. It was only a matter of time. Even Carlisle will crack...one day.

"I'll be alright." I told him confidently.

I had to be all right, otherwise Edward would have my head on a silver platter. God of War or not, that boy throws temper tantrums that would make a five year old proud.

Not only for Bella will I try, but for my family and me. I have to be alight and stay in control. Tonight I'm not going to prove anything to anyone but myself. Because I am strong enough.

I will restrain the monster within.

Easier said than done.

I don't want to be considered weak anymore, I don't want to be a liability to the family, not after all they have done for me. I just want to be stronger, even though I_ was_ in vampiric ways.

But that didn't matter here.

* * *

The smell of the large, chocolate cake was sweet, in a rotten way. The disgusting smell permeated throughout the house, making it smell of rotten garbage.

I knew the cake was bad, but did Alice really have to add flowers as well? Eech! Flowers don't really smell bad, kind of nice actually, but when you mix it with food, it equals rotten smell. And it is not pretty!

I readjusted my jacket, keeping the unenviable prolonged as I could. I felt small, dainty hands clasp my shoulders, making me turn around to see Alice wearing her dark blue velvet dress. I charged the air with love and adoration with my gift as I smiled down at her tiny frame.

Alice smiled at me reassuringly, and patted my back. "She's here." She whispered and hugged me, breathing in my scent as I breathed in hers. "You'll be just fine."

_Don't I know it. _I gave her a tight smile, "Is it time?"

Her eyes glazed over, looking into the future and the decisions in it before refocusing back to me. "Just a few more seconds."

Then I smelled her. Bella.

How can she still smell so good with all the rotten smelling food around? I'll never know. I clenched my fingers, my nails digging into my palm, almost drawing venom.

Control. Show them how better you are now. Most importantly, show yourself.

And like when I was in the army, I gave Alice a curt nod. My defenses were put up - no matter how weak they may be.

_A soldier never shows weakness._

I felt Alice squeeze my shoulder again as she whispered in my ear, "It's time now, Jazz."

I gave her a thankful smile and squeezed her hand. I heard the front door opening and both the smell of my brother and Bella greeted the room.

_Good. _There was no tense reaction, no amount of savage bloodlust. I am proud of myself.

I turned to look at her, the woman of the hour. Bella has been always beautiful, I'll admit that. For a clumsy girl, she was undeniably pretty and without scars. Her usual curly wavy hair made her look innocent and young. _So younger than us. _ And that green dress was...

No. I would not continue that train of thought for that was probably Edward's adoration pouring out the room and onto me. Usual brotherhood rules dictate that I should smile cheekily at him, or tease him, or even be disgusted with how he pours out his love for her. I was just thankful that Edward controlled himself and stopped lusting for Bella's blood now.

_Yeah. _We weren't normal.

Far from it.

I let my nose focus on something other than Bella's blood. Like the rose petals that littered the ground, or maybe the ground pork in the freezer that Esme always liked to have when Bella's around. Just the smell of frozen, grounded, uncooked pork made me want to cover my nose and puke.

A good sign.

Alice tore her hand from mine, bouncing over to a small coffee table across the room. She grabbed the small digital camera on the table and skipped towards Bella and Edward. Her giddiness and excitement rang through the room, making me want to jump up and down, squealing like a school girl.

Alice gave the nervous Bella a hug and a wink and then pointed the camera at the couple. "Show me the love!"

I rolled my eyes. Alice was just so _giddy. _It made everything pale in comparison...

...even the bloodlust.

I sent her a wave of my affection towards her, letting her know - _always _know - that I was thankful; for the peace, happiness and love that she gave me the moment I set my eyes on her in that little diner in Philly.

Then Rosalie and Emmett came down the stairs, gifts in hand.

"Bella!" Cried Emmett, almost bouncing up and down like Alice.

The human smiled up at him, and opened her arms. "Where's my birthday hug?" She asked nervously, trying to make light of the sense of awkwardness in the room.

Emmett laughed and ran to her, picking her up in one of his famous bear hugs. Spinning her around in his arms, he sang her an off-tune birthday song which made her slap his shoulder playfully. The awkwardness was gone replaced by a Bella that was now _quite _willing to spend her birthday with a party that she didn't want.

Emmett put her down and slapped Edward's shoulder chuckling. "How does it feel to be dating someone older than you, little bro?"

Edward glared at him and tried to tackle him.

I decided to join in, just to get on my little brother's nerves.

"Feels sexy doesn't it?" I teased with a smug smirk.

Edward looked at me as if I was dying an undead death. Emmett roared in laughter. I chuckled and patted him on the back.

_I was just kidding._

"Yeah, yeah." He waved me off and rolled his eyes.

_Seriously though, lay back on the Victorian manners alright?_

Edward gave me no reply but the roll of his eyes, again.

Once we were all gathered in the living room, the smell of the chocolate cake was all over the place. It made me relax to smell the overly baked sweet cake. Much better than the sweetness and spiciness of Bella's blood, which I could definitely drink from. No, I couldn't eat this cake...but it was good enough for a replacement, even if it does smell like a rotting carcass.

Carlisle and Esme gave Bella a hug and whispered their birthday wishes in her ear.

I smiled at the scene.

I was happy, loved and felt peace in this little coven.

No, this _family._

We all loved each other in the same way anyone could. Apart from the few vast differences of us, we loved each other.

And with the introduction of Bella, we grew stronger. More fateful, and more hopeful for the future of being vampires coexisting with humans.

As always, in times like these where I drift off and begin thanking God or whoever is the Creator of this world. I think of my time when I was just a mere vampire soldier obeying the whims of his cruel mistress. Then I think of Alice, then of the human families who are smiling and happy. And I think of what I have today.

I knew where I belong, it was here, with my family.

And that bloodlust I was feeling when smelling Bella's blood - _so close - _ gradually faded away.

Well, no not really. It was still there, the monster every vampire has, always staring at you, daring you to taste the delicious forbidden fruit. It has no guilt nor a sense of humanity. The lust is always there, buried underneath all the love and acceptance I felt from this family. I looked at an awkwardly smiling Bella and found some tingling of acceptance in her emotions.

Bella, as I know, was an only child from a broken family. Her mother was the polar opposite of her father. She lived alone and knew no feelings of what a sibling nor a whole family could give.

She caught my gaze and looked at me for a few seconds before smiling and sending me a wave of thanks. I chuckled and winked back.

I heard Alice clap her hands happily and looked at her best friend. She was in the middle of the room, near the cake and the presents. Her face was lighted by the lights and the usual paleness of vampire skin.

"Time to open the presents!" Alice squealed and went to Rosalie's side. "You first Rosalie!"

I saw Rosalie give Alice a glare and turned to Bella. "It's a necklace." She explained distantly. "Alice picked it out."

Bella accepted the small wrapped gift. "Thanks Rosalie."

"This one is from Emmett," Alice grinned, handing the large box to the human.

I tried to hide my laughter with a cough, and it made me cough some more because how human it looked.

Bella looked in my direction and looked at me curiously. I gave a pathetic excuse of innocence before eyeing the box. She rattled it and glanced at Emmett.

"Already installed it! So you won't have to worry whether to give it away for charity or something. God knows you need a new stereo for that battered old truck," He muttered the last part not so quietly.

Bella glared at him and opened her mouth. Then deciding against it, closed her mouth again. I felt sorry for her that I decided to hit Emmett's head - hard enough for a vampire to take notice. "Don't diss the truck," I said with a 'Bella' tone.

Edward laughed quietly and I saw Bella direct her happy glare onto me.

"Happy Birthday Bella," said Esme from her side with a small gift on her hand, offering it to her.

"Thanks," she looked at it curiously before taking it.

"We noticed you've been quite pale lately," Esme glanced at Carlisle and smiled at her daughter.

Bella huffed and opened the gift. I saw her struggling for a few seconds.

I rolled my eyes, _how hard was it to..._

"Shoot, paper-cut."

I flinched when the smell of her first drop of blood fell to the floor, hitting my nose with a surprising intensity. A burning fire suddenly flared up in my throat as my eyes turned pitch black, tensing my muscles for attack.

There was no frozen ground pork to save me, no cake was enough of a replacement.

There were only six predators and one prey.

And the predators were all vampires.

A low growl rumbled in my chest, as I readied myself to take my kill.

Nobody was going to have her but me. No one…

And if they did...

...there will be _war._

She smelled so good, so pure, so nice and a hint of…

My eyes narrowed, there was a hint of something in her blood…

What was it?

I was growing impatient as the small nanoseconds flew pass me.

I needed to know!

What was it in her blood?

There was something…

Something….

_CRACK_!

I roared lowly in my throat as the smell of blood intensified in my nose, making my throat become unbearable.

I need more of that sweet innocent blood.

The emotions were running high and wild in the enclosed room. Making everything hazy and in slow motion. I could see Bella staring at me with fear and horror. Her breaths were rapid and her heart was pounding in and out of her chest violently.

I growled at the beast inside of me who was still chanting: _something in her blood. Something in her blood. Something in her blood._

I heard Edward growl and all I could see was him - where was Bella? Where was my prey?

Where was her BLOOD?!

I roared, how dare he take her for his own?

I pounced on him, tearing the two vampires who had grabbed my arms.

_No one will…something in her blood…where is she…_

I grabbed Edward by the shoulders and threw him through the window and towards the forrest.

_Something in her blood….something in her blood….something in her blood…_

_Kill him…kill him and make him pay…make him pay…_

_MAKE HIM PAY!_

_The monster roared._

I roared.

Everything was in a vampiric blur. Fighting, growls, boulders crashing. And that hazy block in my mind that I wasn't quite strong enough to get rid off, made my vision blurry and disorientated.

"Jasper! JASPER!" I heard someone call.

I growled. No one was going to distract me…

No one…

"Jasper! Man, CALM DOWN!"

Where was he? Where was Edward?

_Kill him…kill him and make him pay…make him pay…_

My hands became claws, my eyes weren't focussed on anything that wasn't Edward. I searched the green forrest, where was he hiding?

I'll find him…Yes, yes. I will.

_Then I'll kill him…kill him and make him pay…make him pay…_

I saw a small little thing in my peripheral vision. I growled warningly at the threat.

Insistent noises sounded in my ears. Where was Edward?

More insistent noises and the little thing was coming closer.

_Something in her blood….something in her blood….something in her blood…_

_Kill him…kill him and make him pay…make him pay…_

_Edward…Where is he? Where is he?_

_My prey…Bella's blood…Drink her blood..._

_Something in her blood….something in her blood….something in her blood…_

The monster was angry, so very angry. It felt deterred and weak.

And it hated being weak.

I roared again.

"Jasper, please. Calm down."

_CALM? No…no…_

_Something in her blood…need to know what's something in her blood…._

_NEED TO KNOW!_

I looked at the little thing - person, vampire. "_SOMETHING IN HER BLOOD! THERE'S SOMETHING IN HER BLOOD! NEED TO KNOW!" _I roared and threw a pine tree to the ground. My nails wounded the bark and I was still roaring.

"I'd tell you what's in her blood once you start calming down." The insistent voice said.

I roared at the little thing. How dare this…!

"You'll never know if you kill me."

This little thing was driving a hard bargain.

But I was smart and so is the monster. I calmed my mind, the monster went back freely to his ruined cage waiting, watching the little thing.

The red haze that clouded my mind was gone. The persistent calling of Bella's blood was thrumming in my venom induced veins.

_There's something in her blood that you need to know…The spiciness…The sweetness…The goodness….._

_There's something hiding that we need to know….We need to know…_

_We need to know… Bella's first drop of blood on the floor…._

The forrest seemed too green and the trees seemed too tall.

I heard a familiar voice calling out. My peace, my love…Alice..?

_Something in her blood….We need to know…_

I was on my knees, my hands gripping my head hard. I looked at Alice, saw her small little body looking down at me. Her venom tears trapped in her eyelids. The wind blew her dress to different directions and she felt so _sad…_

_Something in her blood….We need to know…_

"Jasper…" I heard her call out.

The strong winds breezed through me.

_Don't look…Something in her blood…Smell her blood….Find it…Find it…_

_We need to know..._

The smell of the sweet scent hit me hard.

It was there…Taunting me…

I blinked. No longer growling. The monster was quiet - sniffing the air, his body lowered and ready to pounce at any moment. It too, was smelling her delicious blood.

I sniffed the air.

"Jasper, please! Don't do this!"

I ignored her.

It was sweet. Pure. Loving. Good. And that hint of something….

_Mine._

I blinked.

The realization of something so big was just the word: _Mine._

The beast roared.

_Mine. _

I roared.

"_Jasper..! Jasper…!"_

_"Don't do this! Don't do this! Please!" _I heard sobs.

My mind was cracking.

The cage was destroyed.

And there was nothing but a single word left in my mind.

_Mine._

The question of 'are we strong enough?' raced through my head.

The answer was simple.

No.

Am I strong enough?

No. No, I wasn't.

The cracks in my head made me scream louder. The monster was angry.

I didn't know who was 'me' anymore.

There was no strength to be found here.

Just broken pieces.

Broken pieces of a broken man.

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**Afterword: **Now, how's that for the first real chapter? (The last one was a prologue kind of thingy.)

The next entry/chapter has not been started yet, so don't expect it to come quickly! School is coming soon and that's that.

Review if you like.


	3. ENTRY 3

**Foreword: **I am so sorry for the delay! The first term of school was - still - quite heavy on me. Homeworks, assessments, clubs... And dang! It's too hot in here.

I hoped you like this chapter and feel free to leave your thoughts, comments below!

Thank you to my Beta, TheDemonessofTwilight, for being so kind and awesome!

I'm off to do my English Internal! :D

* * *

**ENTRY # 3**

* * *

We often ask ourselves: _Have we achieved anything in our lifetime so great that people will remember you for years to come?_

Out of all the things Bella Swan did in her life, was meeting a vampire, something worth remembering for by the people who knew her? Looking at Edward -who was currently driving them both to the Cullen's house- made Bella snort sarcastically.

Worth remembering?

She didn't think so; considering she couldn't even tell her family and friends she knew these vampires. So no, Bella Swan had not done something worth remembering her for...yet.

It has been four days since 'the incident' - that's what the Cullens liked to call it - had happened. Her stitched arm still felt raw and bloody and sometimes -when her mind began to wander, she saw Jasper's feral eyes in her human mind. During the last three days, Bella has not seen Jasper much at all. The Cullen siblings feigned Jasper as 'visiting family friends in Canada' at school. Bella almost believed their lies, for every time she visited the household, the feral looking sibling of the Cullen family was no where to be found.

This made Bella queasy.

Was he angry at her? Embarrassed? Ashamed?

She hoped not, since technicality wise - she was at fault.

Bella was the clumsy one, she was the one who hung out with a family of vampires, and she was the one who always attracts trouble. Jasper had to know he wasn't at fault. He was one of the strongest vampires out there.

_He shouldn't feel so weak_, Bella thought with a sad frown.

The vampire she saw that night on her birthday…looked more realistic than any of the Cullen's. His eyes turned charcoal black, his hair seemed to electrify as his nails seemed to grow real-life claws. Seeing him like that, - powerful and beast-like- made Bella think of only one thing: _This is a real vampire._

Bella closed her eyes and let the patting of the soft rain lull her to memories that turn into nightmares at night.

She saw him again, how those clear golden eyes turn into black so suddenly. She saw how his lips turned into a savage smirk as his hands morphed into dagger-like claws. She remembered the feeling of her blood running cold as she watched those eyes change colour. For the first time, she saw the bestiality inside a real vampire. Yet…he changed...

...into something else.

Something a deer, or maybe even a _dog_ would do.

He tipped his head, scrunching up his forehead and nose.

Bella was going to call out for someone, something, maybe even to call out for Jasper, but there was no time. No time to adapt to the change and there was no time to even consider opening her mouth. Bella just felt pain and astonishment. She felt drops of blood pouring out of her throbbing arm, her eyes couldn't focus on anything but the scene in front of her. She couldn't see Jasper anymore.

_Where was he?_ Her subconscious mind screamed, but only the sight of Edward assaulted her eyes. Bella vainly tried to move sideways hoping to maybe see Jasper's face but her legs couldn't move. Bella felt agitated at her human weakness, she just wanted to hold Jasper's gaze for a while, to calm him and have the chance to know what he was confused about. She just wanted the misunderstandings to stop.

She heard a mighty roar that made her eardrums ring and her insides clench in fear. Before she could blink, she saw Jasper grab Edward's shoulder with the strength of a thousand boulders and threw him against the glass walls. Bella tried to cover her eyes from the flying pieces of glass, but one fell on her wounded shoulder and it took all of her willpower not to bite her lip.

The resounding noises of vampires fighting didn't help her at all.

It only made this whole scene more different than what Bella knew.

They were vampires...and they were dangerous.

Bella opened her eyes from her reverie, fearing sleep. Who knew what kind of nightmares will greet her once she closed her eyes again? Her heart wanted to pound so badly against her chest, but looking at Edward, and seeing how worried he was for her made Bella restrain her fear.

"We're almost here." Edward told her, giving her a sideways glance. He had yet to forgive himself for putting his beloved in so much danger - from Jasper and himself.

Bella stared at him for a few moments.

Handsome, kind, and bursting with restricted energy is what made Bella love him so much. The way he carried himself, casual yet careful. The way he looked at her, with that light in his eyes told her he would do anything to make her happy. The energy that wanted to explode from within him, so badly, yet he kept it so controlled, is the reason why Bella fell in love with this man. He was handsome and made casual mistakes like any human being would, but he was not embarrassed about it - unlike so many other vampires. That latter part made him someone special in Bella's eyes.

"I know," she replied solemnly. The trees that surrounded the Cullen Household was thinning; she could see the faint outline of their beige coloured roof.

When they arrived at the house, she saw Alice standing in the front porch. Bella blinked in confusion, for the last couple of days she hadn't seen nor heard anything from Alice.

Bella opened the car door and called out, "Hey Alice!" She felt like her best friend was going to disappear any minute and this was all a sick hallucination her mind conjured to torture her some more.

Alice smiled and motioned for her to follow. Once she was inside the house, she could see all of the family members, apart from Jasper, gathered in the dining room. Bella set her school bag in the corner and gestured to the family. "What's all this?"

Esme smiled at her serenely, like she always did. "Go ahead and sit down, sweetheart." Her voice came out light and loving.

Bella glanced at Edward, asking a silent question, and sat between Alice and Emmett. Edward leaned on the wall arch near the kitchen, his face unreadable. Unreachable. Bella knew this as the look that something big was about to happen.

And she was involved in it.

She waited for anybody to speak - the silence made her hackles rise. She tried not to move so much duplicating the family's stillness, but as the minutes ticked it was becoming too hard and frustrating. Nobody was looking at her, there were no noises to distract her from this stillness. When she was finally fed up with quiet tension in the room, that was when Alice turned to her.

"I - we - need your help, Bella." Alice's normal bubbly voice was now dead serious and gloomy. Somehow, the emotion in her voice was...wrong. The sadness and pain in the small pixie vampire's tone did not suit her bubbly nature.

She frowned and took in Alice's appearance. Her normal spiky black hair was messier than usual, her clothes were too bright on her and her eyes were tired and wary. "Okay. What do I need to do?"

"Alice, I don't think this -" Edward interrupted in frustration.

"No, tell me. Is this about Jasper?" Bella asked concerned. If it was, then maybe she can finally do something valuable in her life. Just maybe.

"He hasn't talked nor moved in days and I..." Alice croaked as a heartbreaking sob escaped her small lips.

"Has he hunted?" Bella inquired with furrowed brows as she crossed her long legs.

She frowned at the other family members, who chose to act like she wasn't in the room. In fact, she felt a little insulted, but let it go, knowing the family meant well.

"No, we've tried to feed him but he isn't taking it." Came the pixie-like vampire's reply.

Bella's eyebrows crinkled together, almost adorably. "So what do you need me for?"

"Well, I was - was hoping.." Alice looked uncomfortable now, her hands were in tight balls and she looked so distressed that it scared Bella. Alice was the happy person, the bubbly person - not this other shell that looked worn out and ready to fall to the ground any minute.

"Alice…" Bella drawled. "Just tell me, it's gonna be okay, whatever you say."

Alice tried to smile and looked at Edward, but Bella didn't even glanced at him.

"I was hoping…"

"Yeah?"

"I was hoping you could talk to him?"

Oh, Bella thought in surprise. She didn't expect that. She thought Alice might want to ask for her blood to push Jasper into drinking again…but this? This was _weird. _

"How could I help him by talking to him?" She wondered out loud, almost to herself.

"I- I don't know!" Alice blurted out. Alice looked like she was on the verge of a mental breakdown. "It's just that...I-I've tried everything and nothing's working! I've-I've talked to him, screamed at him, even made Emmett rip his arms off, but it doesn't work!"

Bella's eyes softened as she reached to grab Alice's small, cold and pale hands which were visibly shaking.

"It's okay Alice," her human friend consoled her.

Alice tore her hands away from her. "No! You don't understand! He's going to fade! His mind, his future is already starting to vanish! Even though he'll be here with me, he'll be gone…on the inside." Alice's eyes widen as those words tumbled out of her mouth uncontrollably. It was like this news was something that she didn't expect coming out of her mouth.

Bella desperately turned her head to look at Edward. Why wasn't he doing anything? Why is he just standing there?

Edward caught her eyes. A few brief moments of their eyes meeting as they communicated wordlessly. There were no words, no Edward's special mind reading between them. This was a sense of knowing between them that no earthly boundaries could cross.

_It'll be okay. You're strong enough to handle this._

_I trust you._

Bella gave him a warm smile and turn back to Alice and the rest of the family.

Her heart wasn't pounding at the thought of the irreconcilable vampire she was about to face. Her palms weren't sweaty when she held and squeezed Alice's tiny hands. And when she met the eyes of all the family members sitting on the family room, her last gaze meeting with Alice's champagne ones, she was glad that when she nodded her head, she didn't shake of nervousness and that when she answered them, her voice was strong.

"Alright. I'll talk to him."

* * *

Apparently Jasper didn't really have a bedroom for himself. The room he shared with Alice was covered in pinks and light shades that Bella knew wasn't his favorite colour.

That only left the study at the end of the hall, then.

Bella knocked lightly on the polished door. Even though she knew that he wouldn't answer, she thought it was rude to just barge in and start shouting at him to snap out of it.

When a few seconds passed and nothing was heard inside, Bella steeled herself and opened the door softly.

"Jasper? It's me, Bella." She crooned softly, hoping for some acknowledgement.

Jasper's room was dark, there were only a few shades coming from the setting sun through the window across her that gave the place life. Even the person - or rather vampire - sitting on the chair was gloomy, dead and quiet as the room was.

Bella sucked in a loud breath, he didn't reply.

Not like she expected one.

Bella sighed through her nose, and let her eyes wander. This was too awkward, too different. She caught sight of the amount of old books in his shelves. _The Russian Federation, The American Civil War: North vs. South, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Odyssey, War and Peace_, and…

Bella huffed a snorted laugh. _Really?_

_Dracula by Bram Stoker?_

Once she got her bearings, Bella looked at Jasper again. He was so still… so… dead. She gulped and looked around, papers littered the desk and floor, there was only one chair - that Jasper was sitting on and a comfortable looking couch near the shelves. There was no computer, no telephone and no television.

They were secluded, and Bella could almost pretend that they were alone.

Together.

Her heart raced quite a bit, Bella had never been alone with Jasper before. Edward kept insisting it was too dangerous… too risky.

Bella bunged up her eyebrows and looked at the dark lonely room.

There was nothing dangerous, nor risky, in here.

It was just Jasper.

And with that thought, Bella walked into the rows and rows of books and took one out that seemed interesting enough for her and Jasper.

Bella had always been selfless, she sometimes looked it as a good trait rather than a bad one. She loved helping people, she loved making them smile. And the thought of using Jasper, oh it made her insides hurt. But she needed this, she needed to do something for herself for once.

She took out _To Kill a Mockingbird out of the shelves, looked over at Jasper and walked towards him._

Without a thought, Bella swiped away the tendrils of hair that hung in his face.

He was quiet. Still. His eyes never leaving that dark spot of wallpaper across him.

Oh well.

Bella sighed and propped herself down the floor, grabbing two throw pillows on the couch at the same time. She adjusted herself, so that Jasper and she could read properly and to give the illusion that this thing that they were doing was normal.

Absolutely normal.

Bella wanted to snort.

She opened the first pages of the book, and began to whisper the words. _"When he was nearly thirteen, my brother Jem got his arm badly broken at the elbow…"_

There, in the quiet and dark room, Bella read.

The house was quiet, the birds had gone in flight, and the wind was still.

After she read two chapters, her voice raspy. Complete darkness surrounded them, she turned on the light and grabbed her water bottle on the floor. She took her seat again and just stared at him.

He was handsome, with chiseled and striking features. Mature, yet in the prime of his life. With silvery scars that almost matched his skin, he looked deadly - dominant. Yet his eyes, the dark golden shades of his eyes told another story.

He was a man, yes, but there was something so completely lost in those golden hues.

And Bella wanted to heal it; to dig deep into those orbs and demand him to tell her what was wrong.

Without a moment to think, she spoke. "I don't like French. I think it's completely overrated and I'd rather learn Greek or Hebrew."

Then, before she knew it, she was telling him whatever she could think of. She told him about the books she liked - classics and contemporary, the music she loved - folk, instrumental, soundtracks of music from movies, she told him of the weather in all the places she knew and compared to Forks or maybe Phoenix.

She told him basic things, non-essential things.

She asked him questions, not waiting for an answer.

And when the knock on the door was heard in the quiet room - Bella stopped.

Esme peeked in, her face kind and warm.

"Dear, it's eight in the evening. Your father was asking where you were." she said. "Maybe it's time to go home, hmm?"

Bella stood up and stretched her legs and smiled at Esme. "Of course. Just please give me a few minutes."

"Of course, dear. Edward's waiting for you downstairs with your favorite pizza." Esme smiled at her again and closed the door with a click.

Bella sighed and put the throw pillows back in the couch and dog-eared the page where they left off. Bella turned around to see Jasper. Now, she felt unsure. Was this session enough? Will he be alright for tomorrow?

She took a breath of air, her hand on the door. "I'll see you then."

She didn't twist the door knob yet, she waited.

Bella sighed when there was no answer from the vampire. It was futile… what did she expect?

She twisted the door and…

Heard a whimper.

She turned around so fast, that she had to grip the knob to keep from falling flat on her face and waited for a few seconds to let her head stop spinning.

Did he just…?

Bella looked at him. Hunched shoulders, fingers clenched on the armrest of his chair, his blonde hair covering his face.

"Jasper?" she took a step towards him. Curious yet watchful.

He whimpered again.

Like a broken animal.

Her heart cracked and shattered for this man, this beautiful, but broken man.

She took his large, cold hands and gripped them so hard that she knew - she knew he must have felt it.

"I - " she licked her lips. "I'll be back tomorrow and read the book to you again, alright?" What was she thinking? She was mad. Absolutely mad. "I promise."

Jasper didn't whimper, nor made any other noises of acknowledgement when she closed the door behind her. Leaving the vampire alone.

She took the stairs slowly, her eyes on Alice.

She saw her hunched up in the piano seat. Her eyes sad, yet her lips smiling.

The rest of the family apart from Alice and Edward was gone in the family room.

She grabbed her school bag on the floor and walked towards Edward, grinning.

"Is that the Italian Seafood pizza that you knew I couldn't resist?" She teased. Oh, she was hungry.

Edward laughed quietly and gestured towards her truck. "I'll only give it to you if you let me do your homework tonight."

She put her hands on her hips and opened her mouth to protest.

"No, I'm not hearing it." He interrupted. "You look tired and need a good night's sleep. You choose. Pizza or homework?"

"You're evil. Pure evil."

Edward laughed loudly this time. "Fine. You can do your other homework's. But I'll do the Calculus and Biology one, deal?"

She pursed her lips. "Deal."

They stared at each other for a few seconds, then Bella made a quick dash and grabbed the pizza, running towards the seat beside the driver. She opened the door, hauled herself up and began to munch on the delicious Italian food.

On the eve of nighttime, Bella thought of Jasper. And herself.

She whispered on the night. "Have I done something worth remembering?"

Has she done something so great in the eyes of her loved ones, and that if she suppose dies, she would be remembered and she would know in her heart that she had served her purpose in life?

Had she?

_No._

The answer was no.

Not yet.

Bella sighed.

But as Bella rolled around her bed, she knew she was in the start of doing something of worth to herself.

She knew she was weak. Stubborn and absolutely ordinary enough. Although… she also knew that there was something inside of her so great. So wonderful and that it actually attracted those dangerous vampires. There has to be something.

As she closed her eyes, she saw golden hues and broken bridges and in the middle of it all - her wanting to build those bridges and see the golden hues light up again.

In those few weeks that later followed, Bella didn't falter.

She was patient.

She read.

She spoke.

She hoped.

And she did it again.

And again.

With the thought that if she did, she would finally feel worthy of herself. And maybe, just maybe, worthy of others attention - even to a certain bronze hair vampire.

* * *

**Afterword:** Good enough for the wait?

Review if you want to. :)


	4. ENTRY 4

**Foreword: **Well, here it is readers! I really hope you like it. I'm so sorry it's short - but I hope its enough.

* * *

**ENTRY #4**

* * *

We often ask ourselves: _Is living and existing the same thing?_

.

.

.

.

There's nothing left anymore; nothing of worthy to me anymore. I feel relieved and saddened at the same time. Relieved, because all the pressure of emotions and love have disappeared, but saddened because I now do not care- I have no emotions, no humanity. My mind is an endless blank void filled with darkness, pulling me in deeper and deeper into its everlasting coldness. I don't know anymore. I do not know what to feel, how to react, how to behave. I don't even know how to think. Everything I do is without thought. Instincts drives my body, not my brain.

The monster, my monster, is quiet now, though he still whimpers once or twice every hour or so. And yet….it means nothing, absolutely nothing.

Although my mind is broken, it doesn't necessarily mean that my senses are gone.

All five are working perfectly; one of the perks of being a vampire. I can see where I am, smell the grass outside, hear the chirping's of small animals, and taste venom in my mouth. However, what I lack is the energy and mental functions to remember anything. I can not remember the seconds that passed, cannot recall any important events that hold something of value to me. My mind is broken, and with it, left….

...nothing.

I do not know what I have lost and with that, I cannot care because there is nothing to care about. I have no memories, no emotions; nothing, for I cannot remember a single thing.

It is just me, the monster, and the nothingness surrounding me like a thick blanket, keeping me safe….

But if I am so safe; why do I need to be taken care of?

A blur of events - people, laughter, smiling, the smell of blood that made me grip my seat tighter - then just like that, a wall so thick and came crashing down upon me, blocking all the memories of those people, emotions and things. I tried; I really did, but nothing came up from the murky, bottomless well that was my head.

And again, cold, hard, emptiness surrounded me.

_Who am I?_

The monster chuckled darkly and did not reply.

* * *

The girl came again, sat in her usual seat and drank a mouthful of water from her bottle. She was very thin - the girl. Pronounced cheekbones and a button nose, framed with thick brown, wavy hair. Her lips were thin, but her bottoms lip was too full for her face, giving her a somewhat pouty look. Today, like every other day, she comes into my study, smiling. She grabs a book from the shelf and looks at me straight in the eye.

Who was this girl?

_She is ours - ours. All ours._ The monster crooned with a psychotic voice and began to stalking closer to the girl, looking at me with his bottomless, black eyes asking, begging, me to remember the girl reading.

I tried, I really did. Flashes, sounds and emotions that were mixed into one, greeted me, yet there was no stable memory. I tried to catch a bit of it, but the pictures just float out of my grasp.

My mind was broken.

The monster cried out in rage, wanting to scratch my face, make me bleed and force me to remember.

Then there was warmth and I felt alive, making me stiffen at the unknown sensation.

"Jasper?" The girl croaked, looking up at me with her deep, soulful, brown eyes. Her hand resting upon my cold one.

I could hear her, and her voice was dry from her finishing a chapter of the book she was reading out loud. The monster stopped and looked at the girl- the woman.

_Our woman._ The monster told me.

_No, girl._

"It's been three weeks now, Jasper. They're all worried," she continues softly, looking into my eyes with hope as odd emotions enveloped me.

Who were worried?

She looked at me, her brown eyes as bottomless as the monster residing in my own body. However, these pair of eyes were much calmer, more pure. She wouldn't suck me in and demand me to lose control of my abilities...

Wait, what?

My head began to ache before it shut itself again. Its cold, hard walls unforgiving, leaving me alone with nothing but a cracked mind trying to repair itself. Instead of pushing the wall that covered my mind, I gave up. There was nothing to be done but wait to repair itself. If it ever would.

_But would you remember?_ The monster asked from its dark corner.

I didn't move, didn't blink, didn't smile.

_Remember what?_

* * *

I was waiting for the girl again who comes to my room everyday when the monster asked, _What's the meaning of existence?_

I rolled my eyes. Surely he couldn't be that stupid. _According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, existence is the state or fact of having being especially independently of human consciousness and as contrasted with nonexistence._

I could feel him rolling his eyes at my response. _As much that is amusing, I meant the question as in the philosophical one._

_I think existence is exactly that._ I say to him in my mind hearing the familiar rumbling of a truck engine pulling up the driveway and wondering what book the girl would read to me today. She has such a lovely voice, so hypnotics and beautiful; like church bells.

_So you believe that existence is merely based on thinking. And that if you don't think, you're not existing? Is that what you're trying to say?_

_No, I reply impatiently_. _Existence is not based on thinking but rather consciousness. You can think all the time, but that does not mean existence. Existence means knowing your one's surroundings and knowing you're a part of that surrounding._ I wanted him to go away, and stop bothering me from hearing the breathing of the girl downstairs. Why is he becoming so talkative now? Just when he knew that she was coming?

_Oh, so if you don't have consciousness – then you're not existing._

It wasn't a question but I still replied. _No._

I could hear the girl walking up the stairs. She was so close. I could smell her even more strongly. She smelt delicious.

The monster growled.

I growled back.

_Tell me, _

_What?_ Didn't he notice that she was so close? How could he even think that, at a time like this?!

_What about living?_

I wasn't listening to him so I asked again. _What?_

_What's the meaning of living? What does it mean? Tell me._

I was becoming increasingly frustrated. I just wished I could lock him up in his cage again like I used to; he wouldn't bother me in his cage. I would have my -

Wait, what was I thinking before?

I growled quietly.

_Answer me!_

_Having life! The condition of being alive! A means of subsistence! What else do you want from me?_

_Stop quoting things from the dictionary!_ He growled, his eyes – alarmingly – becoming darker. But he wouldn't strike, not with my – both – of our minds being so weak and her being so close. So close.

I heard her voice, like an angel – though I didn't even know what the voice of an angel sounded like. But this was it.

_What are the means to become alive?_

_Having whatever qualifies something as a life_. I say to him, this time not quoting the dictionary.

_And what is life?_

I didn't answer him for a moment, for she came barging through the door like always. Her hair damp and clinging to her head, her eyes a lighter shade of brown but still the same smile. Always still the same smile.

And I think to him,_ Something we – even vampires – can't describe._

_Are we living or existing?_ He crooned softly, more quietly now since she was here.

I think of the situation I am now, and the situation I will be forever. Do I exist? Am I alive? Human consciousness...life...thoughts...living...

The girl took my hand and proceeded reading a book she took from my shelf. Her hands warm, and her eyes big and brown staring at me hopefully.

I answered the monster inside of me,

_we are neither._

* * *

**Afterword: **So...does Jasper's 'condition' make sense? Tell me all about it! Leave a review! :D


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